Understanding the Compass of Shame: How we start to address the Cycle of Violence in schools and community

In today's society, we are grappling with unprecedented levels of violence, especially in our schools. According to an article published by US News and World Report there were 346 school shooting related incidents in 2023. This rise in violence underscores a need for us to look beyond symptoms and understand the underlying causes of harmful behavior. The Compass of Shame, a tool widely used in restorative practices, offers valuable insights into how individuals, particularly students, react to shame and stress. Understanding this tool allows us to identify when someone is struggling and respond with empathy, rather than punishment.

The Compass of Shame illustrates the ways people respond to feelings of shame or perceived failure, dividing their reactions into four quadrants: Withdrawal, Attack Self, Attack Others, and Avoidance. Each of these reactions plays a significant role in how individuals cope, often masking deeper issues that need addressing.

The Four Reactions on the Compass of Shame

1. Withdrawal: This response involves retreating from others or situations that cause discomfort. People may isolate themselves, which can manifest in students withdrawing from social circles, shutting down, becoming disengaged, or avoiding participation in school activities. When we see students withdrawing, it’s crucial to ask why. What are they running from or what is it that they can’t face? 

   
   

2. Attack Self: This reaction is characterized by self-blame or self-harm, which can include negative self-talk, cutting or other destructive behaviors. Many students who suffer from imposter syndrome or feel immense pressure to succeed may fall into this quadrant. When left unchecked, this internalized shame can lead to severe mental health issues, including depression or anxiety. Recognizing and addressing these feelings early on can create pathways to healing and prevent students from spiraling into despair.

   
   

3. Attack Others: This response involves lashing out at others in an attempt to deflect shame. In extreme cases, this is where we often see acts of violence, such as school shootings. The alarming number of school shootings in recent years highlights the need for us to understand this quadrant of the compass. Students may externalize their pain through bullying or violent acts when they feel cornered or powerless. By recognizing these signs and intervening early, we can provide the necessary support to de-escalate and redirect these feelings.

   
   

4. Avoidance: This reaction involves distracting oneself from shameful feelings through external means, such as substance use or risky-thrill seeking behaviors. The high percentage of drug and alcohol-related offenses and deaths in our society reflects the overwhelming use of avoidance as a coping mechanism. When addiction is treated only with harsh consequences, we miss the opportunity to understand why the individual turned to substance use in the first place. If we can identify this as avoidance on the Compass of Shame, we can offer more compassionate and effective support, focusing on rehabilitation rather than punishment.

The Impact on Our Schools

Mass school shootings and other violent incidents can often be traced back to students who are showing up somewhere on the Compass of Shame. When we can identify these reactions early, we have a chance to address the root causes and provide targeted support and resources. Without this understanding, we risk jumping onto the compass ourselves reacting with anger, punishment, or avoidance without resolving the underlying issue.

For example, when students withdraw, we may dismiss it as mere disinterest. When they attack others, we may only see the immediate harm and respond with punitive measures. But these responses, rooted in shame, indicate deeper needs that we must address. By acknowledging where students are on the compass, we can move forward in a way that is more compassionate and productive, working with them instead of simply reacting to them.

Avoidance and Substance Use: A Compassionate Approach

A staggering number of people who struggle with drug and alcohol addiction are trapped in the Avoidance quadrant. Substance use often becomes a way to escape feelings of shame or failure. However, punishing addiction only addresses the symptom, not the root cause. When we approach these individuals with understanding, recognizing that they are using avoidance to cope with shame. We can create safer spaces for them to seek the support they need. This approach not only fosters inclusion but also allows for meaningful change, focusing on rehabilitation rather than exclusion.

The Path to Inclusion and Empowerment

Adopting the Compass of Shame in our decision-making can build more inclusive and empathetic communities. It allows us to separate what they did from who they are; offering individuals a sense of redeemability. Rather than labeling someone as "bad" for a single action, we see the human behind the behavior. This shift in perspective calls us into community with one another and gets needs met, rather than perpetuating exclusion and oppression.

Once we can see where someone is showing up on the compass, it becomes easier to do things with them, empowering them to find their way back to a healthier space. We can also apply this to ourselves. Recognizing when we are on the compass, whether through self-blame, avoidance, or attacking others; gives us the opportunity to articulate what we need and move away from destructive patterns.

Shame: More Than a Response to Consequences

Shame is often thought of as something we feel only when we face consequences or realize we've done something wrong. However, we can feel shame in many situations when an idea is rejected, when we feel oppressed, when someone attacks us, or even when we experience imposter syndrome. These feelings are normal, but it's the identification of them and the connection to support that helps us move beyond shame.

Integrating the Compass of Shame into our schools, workplaces, and communities can help us better understand human behavior, break cycles of violence, and create a more compassionate society. By recognizing and addressing shame, we open the door to healing, transformation, and empowerment.